Wednesday, January 7, 2009

An Apple a Day Does Not Avert the Apocalypse

Marmaduke, ladies and gentlemen, is still a great big dog. However, his secondary role as the Antichrist is becoming more and more clear as time goes on. Witness today's comic. The female Munchkin is helping the male Munchkin with what seems to be a subtraction problem; he is worrying his poor little head over the fiendishly difficult question of what six minus one equals. The Munchkins have raided their mother's fridge* and/or fruit bowl in a quest for a visual aid that this incredibly stupid child can use to help him with his math homework. Along comes Marmaduke and slavers over the apples, despite the fact that dogs tend not to like apples much. What on earth is going on?

Well...note that the Munchkins have stolen six apples. The current problem evidently deals with the number six, but what about the others? Surely a child who is incapable of figuring out that six minus one equals five without help is going to need apples for every homework question. We can thus reach the conclusion that no problem on that sheet necessitates the presence of more than six apples. There are three questions. Is it not possible that every one of them involves subtraction from the number six?

Six. Six. Six. Antichrist strikes again.

Of course Marmaduke is slavering over the apples; they represent his future conquest of the world. He will devour them just as he will devour everything else. The little girl, who has demonstrated in the past her place as one of his main disciples, recognises this fact and urges her brother (another disciple) to finish his math before the Devourer of Worlds gets going on the terror and despair.

Enoch and Elijah are going to turn up any day now. Just wait for it.

*It is undoubtedly sexist of me to assume that the fridge belongs to the mother. Then again, this is Marmaduke we're talking about here. The fridge does belong to the mother, who is undoubtedly currently ensconced near it, dressed in a skirt and high heels and probably baking cookies.


Michael said...

Do dogs eat apples? Aren't dogs carnivores? Or, in Marmaduke's case, are apples honorary meat?

Jana C.H. said...

You didn't mention the possibility that the apples represent Forbidden Fruit. The little girl (Eve) is urging the little boy (Adam) to remove one of the apples, presumably by eating it. Marmaduke is slavering, not over the apples, but over the two tasty human souls which will soon be his.

Jana C.H.
Saith Mark Twain: In matters regarding religion and politics a man’s reasoning powers are not above a monkey’s.

Angry Kem said...

Ooh...good point, Jana. I seem to be missing the obvious a lot lately. Especially appropriate here is the idea that Marmaduke/Antichrist should be associated with a new "fall."

Michael: I have never known a dog to like apples. However, dogs will certainly eat food that isn't meat (though they aren't always able to digest it); they are especially fond of cheese. My cocker spaniel used to eat almost everything except apples, up to and including watermelon.

In Marmaduke's case, I think the whole world is honorary meat.

dmontag said...

One of our dogs, a boxer named Dede, loves to pick up apples under our apple trees and run around with them, then she eats them. She'll eat 2 or 3 apples a day, if we let her. So, yes, some dogs do eat apples.